Would Jesus have baked a cake?

Sorry, I’m taking a break from Mark because the SCOTUS has finally agreed to is dip its toes into the wedding cake business, which means we’re in for another round of “would Jesus have baked a cake for a gay wedding?”

And I think I just might go batty for real this time.

So let’s settle this once and for all.

No, Jesus would not have baked a cake.

Why? Because Jesus wasn’t a baker. He was a carpenter and a storyteller and (apparently) an amateur — excuse me, artisanal — wine maker. So maybe he makes the happy couple a nice china hutch. And he probably whips up a mean batch of pinot for them.

But he doesn’t bake a dang cake. Because cake-baking is just not his thing.

Oh, and I guaran-dang-tee you that at the reception, he makes an exquisite toast that leaves everybody there scratching their heads and/or fuming.

It’ll be a really long story, and it will be in response to a question that is along the lines of “Jesus, what the heck are you doing at a same-sex wedding?”

And this really long story will prick the conscience of every self-righteous, judgmental prick there.

But it still won’t answer the question. Because Jesus hardly ever answers the question.

Seriously, read the Good Samaritan.

“Who is my neighbor?” is as straightforward as it gets.

And Jesus goes on and on, about robbers, and priests crossing roads, and kindhearted undesirables. And then he says:

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

Uh, Jesus.

‘Scuse me, Jesus, but…

Hey, man, that wasn’t even the question!

Seriously, why why why can’t you ever just straight up answer a question?

What is so hard about “who is my neighbor?” All I want is some clear guidance here.

Jeez, it’s like you don’t even care about whether I think the people around me are deserving of grace and compassion or not. You just expect me to be kind and compassionate regardless!



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